JORDANSDICTIONARY
As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language! This is Jordan's Dictionary.
Autosplasm - /aw-toh-spla-zm/
noun
- When you can't find your parked car because you're looking for the car you own instead of the rental car that you are temporarily using.
- A mental block preventing one from finding a parked car they've rented because they are, instead, looking for the car they normally drive.
Ex: "I felt silly after suffering an autosplasm when searching for my car in my apartment building's garage."
"It happens to the best of us; you shouldn't feel bad."
"I wouldn't, except I was leaving my apartment to drive to the auto shop to pick up the car I own."
Cloyman - /kloy-man/
noun
- The Crown's royal oyster man
- The man who serves oysters to royals (i.e. the King and Queen)
Ex: "Why thank you, my dear cloyman," exclaimed the King as the briny shell was shucked.
"It's cloy-person!" yelled the Prince who had recently accepted a position as a reporter at MSNBC.
"Oh, shut up you woke snowflake," said the King and slurped up his snack.
Curdimentor - /kər-dē-men-tər/
noun
- Several small rocks or pieces of gravel found in one's shoe
Ex: "Damn, I seem to have a curdimentor in my left shoe," said Jordan.
"Stop being an asshole and just say you have rocks in your shoe, Jordan," replied Scott.
Duplidate - /doo-pli-deyt/
noun
- A date on which the month's number is equal to the day's number
- A date such as January 1st or February 2nd in which the month and day have the same number
Ex: "Paul, I got worried when you told me you're a Scorpio, but then I found out we both have birthdays on duplidates. So.... yes! I will marry you!"
Gumbulate - /gum-byoo-let/
noun
- When a large man drinks from a tiny cup.
Ex: Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst through the door of the tiny hut on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid set down his espresso as he noticed the shocked expressions on the three students’ faces.
“What?” he grumbled, “You three look like you’ve never seen a gumbulet before!”
Hermione turned away and shouted, “We’ve seen a gumbulet, Hagrid! Just please put some pants on!”
Hopeshadowing - /hope-shaed-oh-ing/
verb
- When re-watching a movie or show, the hope that the characters make a different decision than the one you know they are going to make.
- As it relates to cinema, the feeling of hoping for a different outcome even though you already know what the outcome will be.
Ex: I hopeshadowed that Buddy would treat Peter Dinklage's character with respect and dignity during their meeting. Instead, Buddy called him an "angry elf." I finished watching the movie for the hundredth time and went to bed.
Ignomoromic - /ig-noh-muh-rom-ik/
adjective
- An incomparable custom
- A habit unlike any other
Ex: Paul Ryan explained, "It's not ALL Republicans! The fact that Ted Cruz eats children is ignomoromic!"
Salucious - /sah-loosh-uhs/
adjective
- Descriptor of a nefarious solution.
Ex: Instead of admitting fault, Tim made a salucious decision to buy a costume and crawl into the hole. When he crawled out and announced, "I see my shadow. Six more weeks of winter!" the crowd was speechless. "They'll never know I shot it," thought Tim happily as he crawled back into the hole.
Sclarp - /sklärp/
verb
- When a horse falls over while trotting
Ex: "When my horse, Jack, sees a pretty girl horse he often gets nervous and sclarps. I've been trying to build his confidence by reminding him that he's a stud."
Seempicification - /seem-pik-ihf-ih-kay-shun/
noun
- The mental relief of seeing someone's full face for the first time after only seeing part of their face for a long time, and the satisfaction that you guessed correctly about what they look like.
- The satisfaction associated with correctly predicting what a person's face looks like even though you had previously seen only part of their face.
Ex: I felt a wave of seempicification wash over me as he removed his mask and I realized I had been correct about what his full face looked like. I had been telling people for years that it was Bruce Wayne behind the mask.
Shilly - /SHilē/
adjective
- When the air around you is cool, but it's sunny, so you are still warm
- A pleasant, temperate experience resulting from a combination of cool temperatures and sunny skies
Ex: "What a gorgeous day! It really is quite shilly!"
"It's not chilly at all! In fact it's very pleasant!"
"Yeah, I agree. It's shilly, not chilly"
"I don't know, third base!"
Tormulate - /tor-myoo-layt/
verb
- To spend time thinking about what one would have said differently in an argument they have already had OR
- To imagine what one would say in an argument that has not yet happened.
Ex: "Well if you don't want the ferret to stay here, I'll just get him his own apartment!" I imagine yelling to my girlfriend as I torumulate over the argument we'll surely have this evening.
Travasces - /trah-vah-ses/
noun
- Literal deep grooves (i.e. a trench)
- Metaphorical deep grooves (i.e. the deep innards of one's mind)
Ex: "Hark, my Lady, and come hither, for thine remote controller hath fallen through the travasces of my couch, and a new episode of The Bachelorette hath already begun."
Vestigials - /ves-tih-juhls/
noun
- A group of tasks that must be done at a certain time of day, usually at the end of the day
- Routine tasks such as brushing one's teeth, washing one's face, changing into pajamas before bed
Ex: "Honey, we should have sex tonight."
"I don't think so, dear, it's not one of our vestigials. Now let me finish flossing."
Zook - /zook/
verb
- To be woken up in a state of panic by someone else who is panicking.
Ex: I was zooked awake by my dog licking my face frantically.
"What is it boy?!?" I yelled fearfully.
"Shhh. Calm down," he responded, "You don't have a dog, remember?"
"Oh, right," I said. I took a few deep breaths and then fell back into a deep, calm slumber.
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